Yes, I Am Pregnant!

On Tuesday we visited with Michelle, Charles, Libby and Jewel and had a wonderful visit. I mentioned to Michelle that I had not gotten my period yet and contemplated that I might be pregnant. She was excited for me and said to let her know right away when I know. I kind of felt guilty for mentioning it because I think I shouldn't mention it to anyone until after Jim and I know for sure. I guess that is a silly idea, huh? No need to feel guilty. I am sharing my feelings and thoughts and questions with my friend and she is so supportive and kind. It was a good thing.

Well, my mind kept thinking and thinking of the idea. I thought of how I kept wanting dairy products lately...stinky cheese, cream cheese, yogurt, sour cream, mozzerella, cheddar. Weird for me to want that so much. Can you really get cravings that early anyway? Is it just me and no effect from the pregnancy that made me crave those things? I still don't know. I did not want chocolate, dandyblend or cookies like I usually want. Jim would make these comments like, "Well, it's going to happen sooner or later." And some others I can't recall at the moment.

Part of me wanted to just trust my body to know if I was pregnant or not. I just couldn't resist the immediacy and simplicity of a pregnancy test. Wednesday after play group we stopped at Rite Aid so I could get "something." It was a buy one, get one free pregnancy test kit! Well, what a bargain! Like Jim said, if it doesn't happen now, it will happen sooner or later, so I got two kits containing 4 tests. (Last month I tested also because I had a hunch. Of course then it was negative. I did the test twice just to make sure.) Well, when we got home, Makana was sleeping and the kids were playing DS's in the car. I ran in to the bathroom and peed on the stick. I held it in front of my eyes continually watching it. Forget the waiting. I watched it go + right away! I said aloud, "Oh My God!" Even though a person sometimes expect things, a person can be surprised! "I knew it," I thought. "Jim knew it when he made those comments too," I thought. He always seems to "know" before I do.

Yes, he might suspect, but did he REALLY know? I didn't know how to tell him it was for sure. I wanted to wait until we were alone. I didn't know how he'd feel for sure. He probably would be "okay" with it, but not ecstatic. I felt upset about that idea. Well, I stuck the stick in the box and put the box in the cabinet above the desk. Later, I brought it up and stuck it in my underwear drawer thinking I might show it to and tell him upstairs after the kids fall asleep. I fell asleep too.

I thought about telling him Thursday morning before work. But then we can't be together all day. It would be like sharing this special moment and then having to separate. Ugh. What if I end up feeling sad all day and can't really talk to him about my feelings. I waited again for a better time. Thought about it Thursday night too. We had a great night. Li's first T-ball game. Played at the park afterward. Really fun and nice for all, although Katie stayed in the car playing her DS the whole time. But I guess she had fun in her own way too. I wished she hung out with us though. Missed her being with us. I should tell her so.
Wolf was in a good mood. I could've brought it up then, but waited for the right moment.

Friday morning I said to Wolf that Li seemed to really want to do a good job at T-Ball. He had been trying so hard to throw the ball, but had used his glove to try to throw it and it didn't go very far at all. I walked by him and told him to use his hand without the glove. (Don't know why the fellow coaching the kids didn't notice. Maybe too busy with 5 kids trying to throw balls back at him!) He then knew how to do it. And when I went up to him when he was waiting for his turn to hit and asked him if he liked T-ball so far and wondered if he was having fun, he said quietly to me, "Go away mom. You're embarrassing me!" I left. I don't get why I embarrassed him. Perhaps he wanted to feel some sort of independence or perhaps because other parents weren't talking to their kids? Maybe it made him feel "big" to be on a "team" and those feelings were compromised when I approached him. Although I didn't quite understand, I of course respected his feelings and that is what counts. I do hope I can understand though, someday.

I mentioned to Jim that I wondered if Li was taking things too seriously (sounds like me!) Jim mentioned he wondered if Li was afraid to fail (sounds like him!). I said that maybe Jim should model that it is okay to fail, like Scott Noelle's recent post about failure where he says "It's okay if I fail... It's not the end of the world." Jim said that he would consider that if he ever fails. Something like that anyway. We both cracked up.

I bet Kelly Lovejoy would crack up at that too.

Wolf also mentioned something which led me to believe he "knew" I was pregnant. I think we were talking about how far Li has come and what a wonderful and delightful child he is. Like another kid compared to how he used to behave. Of course we have come a long way too! Sometimes I wish we could go back and act much better than we did! In reality, what we can do is appreciate what we have learned and go on and keep learning. Jim said something like "and before you know it, you are back in the beginning again." It SO sounded like he "knew" and was alluding to a pregnancy. But I didn't say anything and instead thought he must be talking about the different phases we all go through and that he must be specifically talking about Li. Yes, I said, it seems Li takes two steps forward and one step back.

Wolf eventually left for work. He came back in and said "think fast" and threw something to me. (Can't remember what it was now.) I thought, THAT's how I will tell him! I will toss him the stick and say "Think fast" back. I have to do this now. I can't wait anymore! I already felt guilty for not telling him right away! Upstairs I ran. Downstairs I ran. Oh, better make sure Katie will watch Makana. Asked Katie to watch her for a minute and Katie said she would. Ran out to the jeep. Jim had just loaded the small rotatiller and taken out the back seat to fit the lawn mower in there in case it is ready to be picked up. I had the stick in my hand behind me sort of. We talked a minute and then he wondered what was up. I said "Think fast" and threw it toward him. He tossed it right back with a knowing look. He said he has known for days. He just knew and could read me so well and knew. He could tell from the way I was acting. (Jim just looked over my shoulder at what I was writing. I forgot I didn't tell him I began a blog! I told him and said I wanted him to read the whole thing. I told him it was only for me though, I wasn't sharing it publicly. He loved the name. Wants us to keep working on a name for his business. Back to the story...) He said he made all those comments on purpose. I was amazed at how he could tell. I thought he would be upset. He said that he wasn't. He made me feel better about all my fears. He is the most wonderful person, husband, father and friend ever!! I wanted to do something nice for him, like send him another of his favorite plants - the hibiscis.

I told him that I thought of telling him with a comment about Scott Noelle's cast party email. Like, "One more person is coming to the cast party! Guess who?" He must have forgot about the cast party email because he didn't get it.

Here are some of the things he said which helped my fears:
-You have my permission to tell your dad that I wanted another baby.
(Not that I would really, but I could say "we" wanted another one.)

-He had lots of time to come to terms with it because he has been suspecting it for a while.

- We cracked up at the big box of condoms we had which will now sit for a few years. The other ones we had found were SO old it was rediculous. That is how we ended up buying a big box a few months ago. My thoughts: But if Jim bought condoms, then why is he okay with having another baby. I think truly he was not so sure either way and wanted some way to use protection if we chose to. We tried once, but ended up taking it off. And I think he felt like either way would be okay too. Kind of like how I go back and forth with the idea. Well, now we don't have to think about it. And we are both pleased.

-He said after the challenging times we went through with our intense guy, he wasn't so keen on having another. But after having our third, he is okay with having another. (My thoughts now. Is he okay with it because Li is past the really intense part? Or okay because he knows he can get through even intense phases? What if this baby is intense too?) He must know you never know what kind of personality the next child will have.

- To my fear of something being wrong with me or the baby, he said he will kill me if I die. And with the baby he said we would deal with whatever happens. (Not that he thinks any of these would happen aqnd truly neither do I, but I have this thing where I think bad things are less likely to happen if I fear them...maybe it actually helps because it makes me think of how I could handle worst-case scenarios. And once I have a plan, I feel empowered. Hey, it's a little backwards. I probably could do better, but at least I found some way to feel empowered from scary ideas.)

-Jim said he knew when the I was organizing the clothes and especially when I was okay with helping Li fix up "his own room." It was the little things I was doing, he just can read me so well he knew.
-Don't remember when this was said, but I think I thanked Jim for talking to me so long about all my fears and thoughs and he said something like of course.. "this is one of the most special moments in our lives!" That made me feel good!

I thought how he is the most wonderful person after our long talk. I was so pleased that he was pleased. That made all the difference in how I felt inside. I so want our baby to be wanted by us both! I feel that it does make a difference in the health of the baby. And to how we treat ourselves and even the family unit.

Jim called me when I was outside with Makana. Katie gave me the message that Daddy had something funny to tell me. I called him back, but he couldn't talk and said he would call me back.

On the way home from Bar Harbor I called Wolf. He said he had gotten so busy he never did call me back yet. He was surprised we went to Bar Harbor after all. We chatted and then I felt I should go so I could better concentrate on my driving. I called him back to say I forgot to say I thought after you left for work this morning how wonderful you are..you're the most wonderful father and person! After this second call, I heard on the radio one of Jim's favorite songs - Queen's "Your My Best Friend." My eyes teared up because I thought how Wolf is my best friend and he makes me live and I think the feeling is mutual.

Alls well that ends well...A Joyful Bun With A Bun In The Oven!! :)