Embracing Our Children's Passions and Likes when they are different from our own

Today at the Thursday homeschool group, one of the moms was wondering if anyone had ever had a daughter who loved Disney princess stuff. Um, yep. Katie loved Barbies. Katie loved Disney. I did not like either and made sure no Barbie's came into our home. I finally let Kelly and Tommy (Barbie's younger siblings who were short, kid-like versions) be accepted as gifts. However, NO Barbies. And of course no consumer driven Disney products that might be made in a sweat shop. Wasn't that something I had heard? Well, even if their products were not made in a sweat shop, they still were totally trying to sell, sell, sell their products and their storylines always had female characters that were not portraying exactly what I wished my little girl to see and think to be like. Wouldn't she then worry about what she looked like and think she had to try to be or look a certain way to be worthy of some man (prince)? I got stories of strong, brave girls (Girls To The Rescue books...which were awesome by the way and Katie loved them and years later still thinks they are great!). One of my friends who felt similarly got these plastic doll figures for her girls which were the same size as Barbie, but they played sports and did other real things besides dress in fancy clothing and have an unrealistic body size and shape. I thought I was making good, responsible choices.

Over time, I read some other opinions on various unschooling groups and began to think differently. I slowly released my fear and control. I realized that not only had I been hoping my young daughter would understand, agree with and live the same values I had (which is unrealistic for a 4-7 year old!), but that I had not giving her a choice (free of judgement) to even explore and figure out if she liked playing with them due to me limiting her choices and explaining why I thought barbie dolls/Disney were bad.

And wasn't the Waldorf type toys its own form of commercialism?

What really mattered if my kids played with plastic legos, little playschool people or wool dolls or barbies? As long as they were happy and feeling creative and enjoying using them it just didn't matter. And those into thrifting can find great deals on toys at garage sales and Goodwill stores and other places where you can get second hand items - handmade, wooden, manufactured, plastic.

Also, the fearful judgemental attitude teaches in unspoken words, that outside forces are more powerful than us. Aren't we powerful to play with Barbie and still grow up to think healthy about ourselves, our lifestyle and body image? If I played with an obese barbie, would I fear growing up to be obese? Kids play with crazy looking dolls and toys all the time. It is plain fun to dress them up and change outfits and hair. Kids do it to themselves, their dolls, their barbies and even siblings! Heck, I even let the kids do my hair for fun! I'd rather teach my kids about realistic body images by talking about that as we live and grow up and see different shapes and sizes and colors, not by making my small kid think that by playing with a certain doll or brand that they will be at risk for becoming fat or thin or a crazy over-consumer who doesn't care about the environment or the living conditions and lifestyle of the people who make clothing/toys. We don't need to project our fears onto our kids.

Here's an exerpt from one of Deb Lewis' posts on AlwaysUnschooled that fits in nicely here: "The point crusaders miss is that having your own personal ideas does not give you the right to form the personal ideas of someone else, including your children. Most parents want to control what goes into the minds of their children so that the kids end up thinking just like the parents. But your child's brain is not your brain and while your beliefs and ethics and choices will influence him you have no special right to program and map him." - snip - and "But there are ways you can live with your kids that help them be happier and ways that can make them miserable and since you were directly involved in your children being on the earth it's your responsibility to help them live well. You can decide if filling them up with fear is the way you want to go but since I know my time here and my son's time here is limited, I've opted for a happier life for my kid. When he's grown and out on his own and if I feel the urge I can use whatever time I have left for my personal brand of radical extremism. (which will make no significant difference) It's good to be nice, to try not to hurt others, to have an understanding of the world beyond your own needs and wants. It's also good to be aware of how you will affect your child's emotional and psychological health by the choices you make. Psychology plays an important roll in health. Emotionally and psychologically healthy people are much more likely to naturally make healthier food choices than people who are worried, afraid, controlled, depressed, lectured, anxious or outraged." I just love what Deb Lewis writes!!!

Healthy buying and eating come from living life and having experiences and discussions and freedom to explore each of these thigs for oneself over one's life. We definately talk about all subjects as they come up. However, kids can't figure out what is good or okay for them if we create an environment where they doubt themselves, fear liking certain things that they would otherwise like if not for our judgement and think the shouldn't trust their natural liking for certain toys or foods, or whatever. And if they even think we'll be dissappointed in their excess candy bar or hydrogenated cookie consumption, don'tcha think they'll eat those things anyway and feel guilty about it? Aren't we trying to give them less baggage about food? Don't you think if you provide a wide array of healthy food that your kids will eat what feels good to them and that they'll decide when and if and how much of what to ingest just by trusting themselves and knowing and listening to their bodies (and by having years of experience doing so and by knowing we trust them)?

If I continued to talk about how "bad" I thought Barbies were, would my daughter think that I was judging her as making a "bad" choice if she still wanted to play with them? Would she say she didn't want to play with them just to please me or to prevent me from thinking she was making a poor choice? I would think so. When I was thinking from a place of fear, I was judging her choices (consciously or unconsciously) as good or bad and I would bet that she knew it whether or not she expressed it.

A turning point came when I realized that I didn't have to fear my children's passions and likes. I could embrace them!

Our neighbor Eileen (whose son worked for Disney) lived downstairs from us and gave Katie a Princess Aurora doll...yes, a combination of the two things I feared (Barbie type doll that was Disney!). I told Katie we could thank her of course because she meant well, but that we couldn't play with the doll. It just stood for everything I was against. I saw Katie's little face look so lovingly at the doll. Katie held it on and off. She had thanked Eileen for it and put it back like the kind of easy-going child she was. But I didn't feel so good now. I had a realization! My child's happiness and trust and our relationship was SO much more important than my ideals of how I wished our world to be. This doll didn't have any power over us. It was simply a doll. A doll my child wished to play with. A doll my child adored. By me preventing her from playing with it, I was harming my relationship with my child and teaching her by example that this doll has some sort of evil power. Could Katie even wonder if it was wrong for her to like something that I didn't like? Maybe she thought she was wrong for doing so? Because she trusted me to make good decisions, she might have actually wondered if she could not trust herself and her own likes and dislikes.

Gosh, if it were books, wouldn't we say to our kids, "Sure sweetheart, I'll go get you those frog books just like Jenny and Todd have." But because it is something Disney (princess books, dresses, dolls, etc) we think or say, "Oh, ...those? You want ...those? Hmmm. We'll..I don't know. I will think about it." And then we might share some horror stories with them about consumerism and plastics and pollution, etc. Things they fully can't understand, but things we might use to justify our position that we are in the right for denying them that which feels right to them.

Gosh, what a relief to have realized that I didn't have to live in a place of fear regarding Barbies or Disney products or whatever my child liked! I happily say now that we have wonderful, thoughtful kids who do care about the welfare of other people and animals and being kind and thoughtful. They are all still growing and learning about what they think about how our world works and making individual choices based upon their own values. I am learning right along with them and doing my best to honor their choices as I hope they will honor mine. We continue to share with each other what we think and why about various topics such as vegetarianism, slavery, environmental issues, child labor, freedom, public elementary school, homeschooling, how people treat each other, etc).

Years went by with Katie playing barbies with a special neighbor friend. We eventually moved and she gave the disney barbie doll to our new little neighbor after noticing how much she liked it. :)

General Stuff from Today

Tonight Kanoa picked up the telephone (the wire came out as usual, so no real dial tone) and he said Hi/Hello in his sort of baby type talk. It was the first time he ever held the phone to his ear and said some sort of greeting! So cool to witness it!

He has also been climbing more and more up onto the granite in front of the fireplace (yikes).

A week or so ago, we moved the toy dress up box in front of the stairs and that has helped lots (to prevent him from going upstairs fast...in case I am not there fast enough).

As of yesterday, he began opening the drawers in the dresser in the living room (where we keep games). He loves digging in there and finding legos and knex (which get strewn all over the house and then get thrown back in the drawer bit by bit as I find them).

Kanoa, Katie, Makana and I went to Belfast to see a movie by Hila Shooter and Clayton Clemenson (homeschoolers). It was really good! We all enjoyed it! Li wanted to play Magic downtown instead of come. Travis was there and said he'd be there until five at least. And I know Li really wanted to stay....so, although I was on the fence about it, I agreed (and left my cell number with him just in case). I know Jim and Rosie and Matt or others are still close by. And I felt better knowing Travis was right there too. It all worked out fine.

Karen and Katie working on the Waterfall Arts "Branching Out" Program

Check out Karen's blog on Tuesday January 26, 2010. It shows Katie and Karen working at Zoots this past Saturday and then at Karen's yesterday. The theme is "Taking Wing:"
http://www.mylifewithknitters.blogspot.com/

Li's words of wisdom

Once again, Li had something to say I needed to hear...

Saturday morning, Katie met with her art mentor Karen downtown. Karen was going to bring Katie home (So far only Jim had met her. I was looking forward to meeting her myself.) Our kitchen was still in breakfast mode and smelled of porkroll (Mom brought it up from New Jersey and Jim and I were so enjoying them!! Thanks so much Mom! They made Jim's weekend!). I mentioned that I hoped I could have the house cleaned up before Karen and Katie came. Li commented that he wished I would leave the house messy when people came over. I asked why and he said that then I "would realize it was no big deal" (to leave the house messy)!

He's right....but I do so love a tidy home!!! It's a process.....and Li will help me remember what's more important! Thank goodness! You know what? They came in about five minutes after that was all said and it was totally alright! :)

Scott Noelle's post on Scare City (scarcity vs. abundance)

I love Scott's posts. Every M-F, a thought provoking post helps me contemplate common cultural thoughts. Jim said that I could forward them to him. I really think they helped him have more patience and empathy and understanding regarding our children especially. Truly, they help me (as do the unschooling yahoo group posts) in my thinking in general which although is geared toward parenting, is helpful with relationships with people of all ages, friends, family, community/neighbor friends, and those I don't know. Here's a recent Daily Groove! Read it and sign up for his free newsletter. Scott also has a book available.


THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

Get ABUNDANT support for YOUR parenting
style: www.enjoyparenting.com/path/info


:: "Scare City" ::

When you buy into the *scarcity* principle, you live
in "Scare City": a place where you're always afraid of
coming up short.

In Scare City, you can't enjoy what you have -- you're
too busy worrying about what you *don't* have. All the
cups in Scare City are half empty.

Somehow, young children are largely immune to the
distressing effects of living in Scare City...

* They enjoy the abundant *now* while their
parents worry about the lack of time.

* They transform their homes into magical
worlds while their parents worry about the
lack of order.

* They give and receive love endlessly while
their parents carefully ration their limited
supply.

To live the Good Life, you have to leave Scare City
and go to a *dance* -- a joyful, magical, healing
dance where you release your fears and *shake your
booty* like nobody's watching: a-BUN-dance!

Are you willing to do A BUN DANCE with your child? :-)

http://dailygroove.net/scare-city
Get "The Daily Groove" BOOK!
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/book

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2009 by Scott Noelle

Gratitude does lead to Happiness!

I was sitting on the couch this afternoon nursing sleepy one year old Kanoa. The room was lit by steady white Christmas tree lights in case he fell asleep and I could read one of the two new books I just picked up from the library. I typically relax while the baby nurses and think about how lucky I am to have him and how little he still is. I do this because I know how quickly it all will pass. And I believe he will be our youngest child forever. I want to savor all the moments I can! I even try to do this with the other kids as they will shortly be even more grown up. When Makana (4 yrs) makes her certain Mommy and Daddy pictures, I just love how they look! For the way she draws her pictures will change too shortly. It's all about savoring the moment.

As the baby drifted off to sleep, I thought about Jim and Katie out for a walk in the cold daylight. They must be happy connecting with each other and having quiet time to talk and listen. I thought about Li...how happy he was when I peeked in on him at the Magic shop downtown and how he wanted to stay longer to finish playing in the tournament. He was able to stay and must have been lovin' it right then! And Kana now has a turn on the computer. And I got to sit and think about all these good things happenning at this very moment. I felt happy. Truly happy. And then I thought that it really is true - that gratitude does lead to happiness!

The baby fell asleep. I couldn't read by the dim tree lights and got up carefully holding baby to turn on the regular lights. Read the introduction to one of the books. Makana came over because she was scared to be in the computer room alone. We read a Marmaduke Mouse Christmas book and began reading a Halllmark book called "Stories of Santa" (with two stories/songs in it: "Up on the Housetop" and "Jolly Old St. Nicholas"). We came across a page at the back of the book that Katie must have filled in when she was young. As I read what she wrote, I again was thankful for what she treasured. I will scan it into the computer. Katie has always had a good grasp of what is really important in life. What more can you ask for?!!

I don't know how old Katie was when she wrote this. Had to be 4, 5 or 6. (Wonder if I can figure out what year it was when she got the Kristin doll?) I'll write what I can make out and you can take a look at the original notes from the book if you'd like. How precious this is to me!!

Favorite gifts from Santa: Kristin Doll, Nutcrackers, Maple Sugar Candy
Christmas Songs and Stories We Love: Jingle Bells
The Best Part of Christmas: Being with my family, Making a ginger bread house, giving presents, ????, snowflakes, happy feelings, having friends and family all love me.

Li's enjoying reading

1/6/10 - Wednesday - We went to homeschool group at the gym today and then to the library. We were all checked out, loaded the books/movies in the car and went back in to get Katie, Li and our coats, etc. Li came up to me and asked if he could get a few more books. He had picked out two Captain Underpants books and a Pokeman book. I said sure! Wow! This was the first time Li was picking out books for himself to read himself. He'd pick out books before, but with the intention of me reading to him. He read one of the Captain Underpants books on the way home aloud to Makana. He showered and then read again at home. He mentioned to me how much he enjoyed it and read some of the funny parts to me. Cool! Love him loving books as I too love to read. Nice that he is enjoying them as I said to him that I like them so much and they can take you to another world if you get into the book. It's also a nice way for me to relax. Now Li can add reading books to his choices of what to do during the day!

Oh, and he read Green Eggs and Ham aloud the other morning (it was to Kanoa or Makana - he had said he wanted to read to them and that they might like that book). He didn't read the last couple pages because the creature eats meat though (and of course Li is a vegetarian).

Also, Li asked when he could join a book club because reading was so much fun. I told him next year he could join the book club that Katie just joined at Camden Library (it is for 4th - 8th graders). I added that he'll especially like it because they have pizza! He was excited. (We'll see if he is able and interested at that point as he is just beginning to read longer chapter books.)

Off topic: Li goes back and forth on whether he feels it is okay with his conscience if he consumes cow milk. He still wants ice cream either way. But now cow milk butter. He prefers Earth Balance. I began making macaroni and cheese from scratch a few months ago. When I first started making it from scratch, Li didn't like the taste of it with rice milk and said I should do it like his friends recipe states..with cow milk so it would taste the same. So I tried it with cow milk and everyone raved about it. Tonight when I was making it, because of his recent conversations about not using cow milk, I told him that I was low on rice milk and usually used cow milk in mac and cheese. He said it was okay to use it and he thought about it and said that maybe he thinks now that the cows don't mind giving us their milk. (ohhh...so unlike Li to think that way. Maybe he felt bad using the cow milk and is trying to convince himself that it isn't so bad so he can enjoy his mac and cheese the way it tastes best to him.) He added that he still thought the animals would mind sharing their meat. He asked me if I also thought the animals would mind sharing their meat. I agreed. (But I do eat it for now...maybe someday I too will go back to being a vegetarian. I'm just not ready yet. I have to feel good about that to truly embrace it. I want to feel happy with my choice. And yet I think ..yeah, right...and the animals I consume in the meantime...ugh!)

1/7/10 - Thursday: Last night Li read in bed up to chapter 8 and was so proud of himself. He wanted to read it out loud, but Jim needed to sleep and asked him to be quiet. He tried whispering and kept reading as low as he could. We had to turn off the lights to help baby fall asleep too. I asked where my flashlight was and Li said he had it (he was already prepared for me to turn the lights out as we need to do that to help baby fall asleep usually). Li eventually got tired and stopped saying "I need to take a break" at chapter 8. He was proud he got that far! That night just before he fell asleep, he said "I'm really enjoying the love of reading." I think he is a bit surprised and pleased to find out how nice it really is to him!

This morning, 1/7, I awoke to Li whispering/reading low the same book. (It was so nice that he had a quiet activity to do as he frequently tosses and turns if he is up before me...and we're in a family bed.) Anyway, cool that he is enjoying it so much! Who says you have to force kids to read and make them read aloud in front of others! Bah! They will read when they are ready and like it too! (I guess there probably are some people who don't enjoy reading....sometimes I meet schooled kids who are not interested in reading any more because they have to do it so much for school. I am so glad my kids can read what they want when they want. And they like many books, especially historical fiction and humorous books and Horrible History type books and ghosts/the supernatural. We just read a great book about Henry Box Brown (tied into Li's interest in slavery and freedom) last week. Today on our way to a homeschool group in Belfast, Katie read aloud good parts from a book on Amelia Earheart and her capture by the Japanese military. Interesting for all of us!

Li's Faces....

Li does this face/impression so much, I thought it would be fun to have a file of them!

The First Thing Kanoa seemed uneasy near/afraid of

This Dora head is in Daddy's shower and Kanoa seems to want to be in my arms when he sees it. He knows it is there. It is Kana's. Kanoa first seemed afraid of it in November sometime when he was in the bathroom with me when I was trying to clean the bathroom. Li and Makana were in there too and I brought the Dora head out as well as some other toy to see if he'd be interested in them and play while I tried to clean. But no go...he motioned for me to pick him up and I realized he was upset by the Dora head. The kids had also put on the bubble maker toy which made a constant noise. Perhaps it was too much for him and he felt overwhelmed. Crowded, noisy, and that Dora head. So now if Kanoa ever comes in the bathroom with me, I keep the shower curtain pulled shut. If he does want to see if, he can see it while he's in my arms. I go with the flow. If he wants to see it (by pulling on the curtain to see behind it while he is standing next to the tub), I will do it with him. If he seems okay (and sometimes he does seem curious and is in an okay place), I take the head out and let him touch the PRETEND DOLLY and HER PRETEND HAIR. We then put her back (usually sooner than later) as I don't want to freak him out and I want to let it be a gentle experience for him. We look at the other dolls and their pretend hair too. He may understand more than I think, so I explain that the other dolls are pretend too and offer their hair to touch if he seems okay with that. If not, I stroke their hair to show him. I know he'll eventually understand that the dolls and even the Dora head are just things to play with. And I respect that he really is uneasy by the Dora head. Interesting ...the things that make us feel uneasy, esp when we're little.

Some of Kanoa's Favorite Things To Do or Play With

We're trying to take photos of the things Kanoa loves to look at or play with for a little custom made board book. Here are some things he loves.

January 2010 Happennings

Note - Still don't know how to get words by their correct pics! So do your best!


1/1/10 - This afternoon we video chatted with Dad (Pop Pop) and Jeannie (Nonna) via Skype! So cool! Glad they got to see Kanoa!


1/1/10 -Kanoa olays peekaboo behind the play store!
Kanoa looks at all the snow! 1/1/10



1/1/10 - Li on the computer.
Kanoa reads his favorite dog book!

Kana holding a stuffed doggie.


1/2/10 - Gamer Kanoa and brother and sister...hey! He wants to join in too! But only for a few minutes, then it is off to explore new things!
1/2/10 - What it looks like outside...jhad snow nyrs eve, yesterday, today (1/2), and we're sup to get more tomorrow! Yikes! That's livin' in Maine for ya!

1/1/10 (it was after midnight on 12/31/09) - Li just sits down and writes lists of new words he is learning to spell.  He makes these kind of lists up all the time.  This was written on blue construction paper, so it is hard to read.  Notice the rhyming of some of them.

This is a paper Katie hand delivered so that she could participate in an a Waterfall Arts program.  If she is able to participate in the program, she will be paired up with an artist for collaborative or side-by-side work of art based on a specific theme.  It will also be exhibited locally.  

1/4/10 - Shirley, Leo, Li and Josiah played with castle blocks.  Love how creative and enthusiastic the boys were!  Like Rosie notices, the boys do make those zooming and other sounds when they play - so funny! 

1/4/10  - Katie encouraged everyone to dress up like Ghost hunters!  They had fun finding ghouls all over the house!

1/7/10 - This is Azure's special polka dot puppy that she generously and kindly let Makana borrow.  As you can see, Polkadot Puppy is relaxing on the couch!

1/9/10 - This is our last photo taken of our Christmas tree for the 2009 holiday.  Many of the ornaments were moved as needed.  The kids did most (and I mean most) of the decorating!  We all enjoyed it and we are so glad we decided to get a real tree again this year.  (Almost didn't because we thought it would be difficult with a one year old - but it did all work out just fine!)

1/9/10 - The tossing out of the tree!

1/10/10 - (this was very late after midnight on 1/9/10..around 1am on 1/10/10) - This was Li's thoughts on how the brain works.  I wrote down what he said on the paper.  He drew a diagram showing how the brain stores memories.  He just came up with this on his own out of the blue.  Not sure what made him think of it, but there it is!  Showed it to Jim this morning.  He said to keep it.  Click on the photo to see the explanation of the diagram. 

 1/10/10 - This is the other side of the paper diagram.  Showing more connections...how one thing learned is stored and connected to other thoughts which are also stored, etc.

1/22/2010 - Mom and Bill (Thank you Bill for agreeing to be photo'd!!)

Bill, me, and Kanoa (same date)

Heather (same date)

Katie, Bill and Heather (same date)

Heather, me, and Kanoa

Heather, me, Kanoa, and Mom

Heather, Katie and Mom

Mom outside in back yard.  So pretty!  (Both Mom and the snow!)

What a great photo!!  Li, Katie, Bill and Heather

Li enjoys holding Kanoa on his lap sometimes when he plays on the computer.

View of da boys from the back.  Look at those sweet little heads! 

Kanoa plays with a toy train while being held by Keli'i.  Kana comes to take a look at what is going on.

Here is Kana with all the "saved" papers I will stick in her keepsake bag.  These are things that are special either to me or to her that she made during the past 9 months or so.  I do this for everyone (all ages!). 

Here's Li's special saved things.  Hmmm.  Now that I see things from last Valentines Day, I guess that they are as far as a year old! 

Here are some of the things I saved for Jim and myself.  I just loved Katie's lighthouse drawing (card) she made for Jim for his birthday. 

1/29/2010 - Kanoa (trying to get a picture of him smiling!)

Kanoa and me (just trying to get a photo of our little guy) 1/29/2010

1/30/2010 - Camden Winterfest (lots of beautiful ice sculptures at the library and an ice sculpture contest too!)

The ampitheater where the contest is held. 

What the harbor area looks like in the middle of January 2010.  (1/30/2010)

Another vantage point of downtown.

Li downtown same day (1/30/2010)

2/3/2010 - Li went outside and entertained us by the window.

2/4/2010 - Kanoa is wearing Kana's Dora pajama shirt.  Comfy for him!