Feeling Mad about Jim's Work Schedule and Religious Thoughts

I am so frustrated with Jim's work hours. This is not the lifestyle I wanted. I wish he would end work at 5pm, even 5:30pm. But Noooooo. He just can't possibly go into work early and so ends up putting in his 9 hours and coming home between 7:30 (early) and 8:30 (average). Of course during the "busy" time of year, it could be as late as 9 or 10pm. Arestophenes (sp?) -rediculous!!!!

When he took this job up here, the job was supposed to be from 8-5. How come he can't do that? My thoughts: if the rest of the family makes the first step in getting up earlier, then he will maybe follow suit.

And the busy season. Well, we were told it was January. Okay, so I could deal with him working 6 days a week in January, not that I'd like it. (And it was harder the younger the kids were! And when Li was in that angry stage.) But he is still working weekends and it is now April 14th! So much for that! And it is not like he's going to get comp time for the extra hours and days he has put in, whether it is visiting a client in Bangor and getting home late, staying late at work on weekdays, or putting in the extra time on weekends.

He was told that if he got his work done, he could take time off. Or if he wanted to work a weekend day, he could take off a weekday. They'd be flexible. That SO doesn't happen.

And it is not even like we are comfortably getting by. Perhaps if we bought a smaller house and he found a different job (one where he could just put in 8 hours a day, 5 days a week), we could have more family time. I don't get it. To me, life is about the TIME you have. It is about being able to use it wisely. I fear that Jim has gotten caught up in living almost like he was in school....do what you have to do and then wake up and do it again. He doesn't realize that THIS IS HIS LIFE and he has a CHOICE on how he wants to spend his time here on Earth in this life. Is this how he really wants to spend it? I agree that it is nice when work gives one a sense of satisfaction. And I too enjoy doing a good job. I feel some sort of self-worth at doing my best when I do something. However, there is a point when one crosses over the line and it becomes too much work. One then loses focus about why one works in the first place.

Is he craving attention from Henry, Mary, or trying to prove something to himself? Does he feel like he is not good enough at his job and so has to work more to do what he feels he "should" be able to do in less time? If so, what would be the worst thing that could happen if he didn't do a good job? Lose his job? Have to move to a new place and find a new job? Hard in a recession, but not impossible. Is he feeling guilty that PPS pays others less, but that they do an almost equal amount of work? If so, unfortunately, that is not his problem, that is PPS's business. If that is true, I wish he wouldn't let it affect OUR life! And I do respect that quality of wishing things to be fair.

I also wish he would do something physically good for himself. He doesn't do any exercise. How about walking in the morning or evening...or at lunch? How about not spending all of lunch time still in front of the computer. It is not good for your eyes nor your body or spirit to be in that little office staring at a computer all day! At least go out for a breath of fresh air. Go to the ice rink, the park, come home, go for a short walk...DO something! I fear he is just going to drop dead! He gets all these weird pains, yet doesn't seem to give a damn about his health or well-being. I don't talk to him that much about it anymore. Sometimes we go for walks. But isn't this something the person who actually cares about themself (and his family) would do? I guess not (assuming he does care about us). Why does he not put in the time now and gain more time of life living (assuming no accidental death) feeling better and being able to bend and do more as an old person. I just don't get it and because I do care so much about my physical fitness, I just am so frustrated by his lack of it. I wish him to be around with me. As he says, perhaps I will die a death earlier because of my fear! So there you go!

Alright, done venting for now. Talked to Jocelyn Humes today. This subject came up. (Why does something bothering me always come up when I talk to her?!) She says she will pray for me. Sweet. She recommended I pray and I thought that was a good idea, except she thinks I should have a relationship with the Father first! Ha! I told her I don't necessarily believe in a God, but I do in prayer. I think that prayer helps me reconfirm and clearly think and feel and restate what is important to me, whether it is loving someone, wishing someone well, or hoping for something or giving forgiveness, anything. I am open to the possibility that there might be something to sending good vibes out there...might there be another dimension we just don't know about that transmits the good vibe energy. It doesn't matter as long as we feel good about it and in that way it helps us. Just as it is good for people to believe whatever they want with regard to religion...hey, whatever works. I don't appreciate nor like it when each holy roller thinks their way is the only way and the right way though. Like those kind of folks keep hoping you'll see the light...their light. And then you'll too be saved. And perhaps they will gain satisfaction from that. Maybe they think that by saving others, they will please God and receive His praise. It is scary how people can be so into their religion that they don't see reality. Like how Don Tracy told me that the Bible is against homosexuality and living together without being married (and of course read a scripture). Well, I think that homo's have been around forever and if that is how they are born or feel, WHO ARE WE to say that it is wrong. It might not be the way I would choose to live, but I would never condemn a person for that! I could love and do know good people like Ellie and Donna or other gay individuals who are really great people and that doens't make them horrible just because the are different or have different preferences. In fact, I think the Judgement of them by other people is horrible! Regardless of what any periodical says! I don't need someone else's opinion (including "God's" or some other infamous and well respected individual) to know in my heart what is right. I trust myself and I will judge which people I trust and like and want to be with. The 7th day adventists keep the sabbath holy (Saturday is their church day), the Jehovah Witnesses think the know the real, true way to live by the bible, and the christians and jews and catholics all have their own ideas as do the buddists (like alot of their wise words and the whole mindfulness thing and being in the present), muslims, quakers (like how politically active the Friends are!), and ba'hai faith (like the idea that they take much from all other religions, but still don't get how they care so much for their founder...the one with the long B last name that is hard to pronounce). Anyway, I mentioned to Jocelyn that I like to take what I like from many different religions, but that I don't ever see myself believing in just one religion. She thought that this didn't make sense. Hey, to each their own. I confessed to her that one reason I listen to Don Tracey at the door (he's the Jehovah Witness) is because I feel that is sort of my way of giving back to the community...well, to him anyway. I think it must make him feel so good to have someone actually listen to him. He once said he used to gamble, and that made me wonder if this Jehovah Witness way of life helps him live in a way that is more acceptable to him and his family and that must be so important to him. So, if I can help him by making him feel good about himself just by listening, if the kids are able to deal with it, so can I. He is a nice man too. Although I don't necessarily agree with what he believes in. But I respect that he comes to my door to share something with me that he so values. It is like me going to others to share organic lawn care with them. It is dear to the heart. And you know, listening is a loving thing that I can do at least sometimes.