Pregnant?

It has been more than 4 weeks since my last period. Hmmm. I seem to fluctuate between two ways of thinking:

If I am pregnant....
1. OMG! How this will change our life! We just spent $2,600 getting the Subaru fixed and we'd have to get a new car! We don't have the money to pay for the birth and a new car! And I'd not be able to ski because I couldn't leave the baby. I'd have to take time off from dance, or maybe I could bring the baby with me? And would this baby be like Makana and cry in the car so that I never want to drive? And I'd not sleep well and what if I am grouchy during the intense time of taking care of a baby?! How could we get a dog too? How could I walk a dog and take care of a baby? Katie would be heartbroken! How could I do all the things I want/need to do with the kids (for homeschool purposes which really are just for living life purposes)? I need to be able to take them to places that interest them and get us out of the house! It would be a disservice to the older kids if I stayed at home like we did this past winter! Also, what if something happens to me? What if something happens to the baby? Have I exposed myself to fumes or cell phone energy that affected the fetus? How would I have time to write or check email or read? My Dad will blame me and think we are over our heads or blame me for making Jim's life be more difficult as Jim has already enough of us to provide for. Cheery Dad. I try to let him own his own feelings, but it is hard. I still would like him to think good of me - gotta rid myself of that! Or I will fear that deep down, Jim will blame me (even though he won't say it) for guilting him into having one. Not that I really did, but because I hope/wonder every time if it might happen, I feel more responsible. Yes, I blame myself for lots of things I guess. Maybe I feel like Jim is saying "if it happens it happens" (even though he'd of had a vasectomy long ago) because he wants to please me. I wish we'd both be pleased. But do I wish that we'd not have another one unless we'd both be pleased if he is willing to take chances? I guess I can't blame my internal thoughts for what happens. Or can I? Maybe I manifested this?! That is rediculous. But maybe not. Hmmm. Food for thought. If a person's desire could manifest a pregnancy, then should I feel guilty for my feelings which brought about a child Wolf didn't want? Yes for the happening. No for feeling how I feel. I need to accept my feelings. I am entitled to feel how I feel. Then no for even the happening because my feelings are okay to have.

2. I am so excited! I have always wanted a big family! Will it be a boy or a girl? Makana wants a little brother. She adores baby Ryan and baby Boston and would love a little brother. Li is so wonderful with little children and he loves babies too. He has been saying things (not recently, but as of a couple months ago especially) about having another baby. I saved all the baby clothes just in case. On Monday, I was in the jeep just thinking and Wolfie noticed and asked what I was thinking about. I said that I had not gotten my period yet and I was fretting about whether or not I could be pregnant. I said I had to find out and wanted to get a test. He said that he's been watching Star Wars and "It is what it is." (That has been his slogan for a while now.) At least he didn't seem upset by it.

When I was dividing up the sizes of clothes to either save or give away or put away for the next season, he didn't make his usual comment about why was I saving the baby clothes. He said something like "It's gonna happen sooner or later." He didn't seem either for or against the idea though. It is what it is and we'll go on with however it is.

This makes me think of the idea Abrahama and Esther Hicks have ...that we should think "It's Done" already and how thinking that helps you deal with "what is." Like how it helps me deal with life or reality in general. Abraham and Esther Hicks say that if we remember "It's Done," we don't have to worry, just go about our business.

As good as it sounds, I like Jim's idea of "It is what it is" better. The "It's Done" idea seems to evoke in me the same kind of thoughts like the idea of our life being already charted out for us. Like there is no free will and everything is predetermined. Well, I don't buy that. But I suppose to take what I like from the "It's Done" idea, I could just simply not worry and do what I do and accept that I do what I do and don't do what I don't do, without attaching guilt to what I "expected" myself to accomplish or what other people think about what I do or don't do. Maybe though the idea of "It's Done" can also help us see the positive future and that can bring us more confidence and that in turn actually affects the outcome of situations...a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Of course, you'd have to see the positive things in the future, not concentrate on the negative or you won't have confidence and your fears and insecurity might bring about things you don't want. Ahhh all these deep thoughts. Or crazy thoughts as Wolfie might think! But I like to contemplate these kinds of things.

If I am not pregnant...
1. I will be sad because I have really explored the idea of being pregnant...feeling like I am, thinking I might be, coming up with good and bad scenarios. And it would be so nice to have another child! How much joy they bring! I love being a Mommy more than anything else! Having children who are respected and honored and allowed to be who they are is what will help make our world a more joyful place to be. And raising them this way, they will be more at peace and could maybe enact positive world changes. I hope I do my part as a parent to help my children be happy and healthy and that they grow up making the world and their family's lives happy ones that bring about positive things for our world/community - even just the joyful energy is a positive thing for our world! If it leads to other things, great. If not, I would be grateful that they'd examine life and expectations and deliberately make choices that feel right to them.

2. Phew! Relief! I am so glad we can keep our car and maybe get a dog! And I can maybe begin writing books! I can take Katie out and do more with her each year! I can still enjoy ballet sometimes when Makana is happy at home with Daddy. Life will be full of adventure and excitement and we can travel in the car! I can do so much more than I could with an infant! I can be more relaxed about my health and environment than when I am pregnant.